


I'll Be Your Hangman, Tie Me Up And Lynch Me

by Merchant



Series: Raven Revisited [5]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Christian guilt, Coming Out, Gen, Homosexual Thoughts, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Many Pynch references, The Dream Thieves-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 17:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4272594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merchant/pseuds/Merchant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything in Ronan's life was falling apart. He was losing control of himself, and was left with his thoughts. Takes place during The Dream Thieves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Be Your Hangman, Tie Me Up And Lynch Me

**Author's Note:**

> If you've been following along, which I greatly appreciate if you have, this is my fifth writing out of six. This writing happens to be my favorite one out of all of the ones I've written, since a lot of what I wrote in this comes from my own personal struggles, and Ronan is my favorite character. I identify with Ronan a lot, and reading his side of the whole story was a real treat for me, because it was almost like reading a story about my own life. This is my interpretation of events from The Dream Thieves, and what Ronan was thinking of during everything. Anyways, on to the writing, and my usual [Tumblr link](http://uaa-merchant.tumblr.com). Hope you enjoy reading!
> 
> **The Raven Cycle, and it's characters, are the sole property of Maggie Stiefvater. I am the sole owner of this writing.**

Ronan Lynch remembered the time when his family had begun as a family of secrets. He remembered how his father disappeared every so often, for "work", and then suddenly, he was back home. Usually bringing in a ton of cash. Ronan remembered the day he found out where the cash _really_ came from. Impossible things, dream things. “Don’t tell anyone,” his father had said. Ronan didn't tell anyone, but he kept a lot of secrets to himself from that point on.

Niall Lynch was no longer alive, but the memory of his death forever plagued Ronan’s mind, haunted him in his sleep. _I’m sorry, I should’ve gotten there sooner. It’s my fault, it’s all my fault. You’re dead because I wasn’t quick enough._ Ronan started hiding his emotions as well as he could, choosing to mask them with sarcasm, with rage, with a facade. Even doing so, he wasn’t always the best at keeping the invisible mask on, and his true nature would slip back into being in small pieces.

Ronan remembered the first time he dreamed of that forest. He was very young, and he dreamed of a girl. The girl reminded him of his mother, only in child form. She would speak in a language he couldn't understand, and wouldn't until he was much older, and then she would suddenly speak in words he _could_ understand. She was Ronan’s childhood companion, and he would go visit her on nights when he had gotten in fights with Declan, when he was feeling lonely and Niall wasn't around.

Quite a few years later, when he was almost 16 years old, he met Richard Gansey III. Gansey had transferred into Aglionby Academy, where Ronan was attending, right after he bought out Monmouth Manufacturing for his own use. They were in the same Latin class, and Gansey had approached him first. It was around this time, that Ronan discovered that the girl in the forest spoke Latin, which made it easier for him to pick up the language throughout his studies. Gansey told him stories of Welsh kings, of why he came to Henrietta, and what his quest was. They became best friends very quickly, because they understood each other very easily. They would alternate visiting each others homes, but mostly spent their time at Monmouth, since Ronan didn’t want to be around Declan too much. They would go chasing after clues, hoping they'd find Glendower’s location so Gansey could ask him for his favor.

They didn't always talk about Glendower, though. As they were both teenage boys, they would get into discussions about things teen boys commonly talked about. Gansey would talk about his life before Henrietta, before Aglionby. They’d talk about girls, or at least Gansey would bring that subject up, and Ronan would tease Gansey, relentlessly, every time Gansey would mention his many break-ups. Gansey always liked asking Ronan if he had his eyes on any particular girl, hoping to get back at him. Gansey had seen the way girls looked at them as they'd wander about, the way they'd look at Ronan when said boy wasn't looking. Ronan Lynch, however, never looked at girls the way they looked at him, and Ronan found himself silently wondering why that was.

Then one day, after wracking his brain, questioning himself and not coming up with answers, the reality hit him, or better yet, it knocked him on his ass with how hard the blow was, and Ronan wasn't prepared for this discovery. Ronan had _tried_ to be interested in women. He would watch Declan, with his many girlfriends, come and go, and would try to figure out what made Declan so interested in them. He observed the way they looked, what they wore, how they spoke. No matter how many times he went over everything in his head, he just couldn’t see what was so great about these women that Declan chased after. _Are these girls just not my type? Am I just not interested, because they're Declan’s type of women?_

Ronan was hanging around Monmouth one day after having this musing, and had just come back inside the building, after setting yet another piece of junk on fire. He didn’t know Gansey had just gotten out of the shower a few minutes prior to his return, since Ronan didn't hear water running. Upon searching for him to ask what they were going to do next, Ronan caught a full view of Gansey, nude, in the bathroom. Gansey’s back was to him, and he was currently slipping on a fresh pair of boxers, so Ronan didn't see much. However, he saw _enough_ , and instead of immediately turning away, or saying something, he found himself taking mental notes of the lines of Gansey’s slender back, how his shoulders had been developing, so they looked like they were sculpted out of marble, how his arms had traces of muscle tone in the biceps. When Gansey turned to face him, he saw how Gansey’s ribs and stomach had traces of developing muscle lines. Gansey was drying his hair with a towel, not realizing Ronan was there in front of him, _watching_ him. When Gansey finally made eye contact with Ronan, Ronan felt instantly embarrassed, and high-tailed it away from the bathroom before Gansey could comprehend that Ronan had been there. Ronan went and shut himself in his room, leaning against the door, his heart racing.

Ronan’s stomach was in knots, and his thoughts were all over the place. _He saw me staring. Why was I staring? What the fuck was that?! That shouldn't have happened. Why do I feel like this, though? I wanted to touch him. Jesus Christ, I still want to touch him!! He's my friend, though! No, no, this isn’t right! This isn't happening, this is bullshit! Is this what girls feel when they look at him? When they look at me, when they think I don't see them?_ Ronan did his best to avoid talking about what happened with Gansey, and hoped Gansey wouldn't _ever_ mention it. To his relief, Gansey never spoke of what occurred that day. 

To make matters more complicated, Ronan started having dreams about Gansey after what happened that day, where Gansey would speak Latin to him, telling him things he’d _never_ say outside of the dream realm. Ronan denied these feelings that were growing deep within him, tried his best to keep telling himself that he was _not attracted to his best friend_. One night, while him and Gansey were sharing a sleepless night together, Ronan saw that Gansey was in casual clothing. Gansey had the top buttons of his button-up shirt undone, thanks to the heat, and Ronan caught a glimpse of the lines of Gansey's collarbone, and he found _those_ thoughts creeping right back into his head. 

Ronan Lynch was not a liar, he vowed to himself that he would never lie. That vow didn't exclude himself, however, and he had to face the truth. _Gansey is attractive, I understand that now. I think he's attractive, and not in a platonic way. I’m attracted to Gansey, my best friend, my only friend. So I like men, I don’t like women that way. Women don’t make me feel like I'm feeling right now. I’m never going to feel that way, the way Declan and Gansey feel, with any woman. I’m hopelessly gay, that's all there is and that's all there will be._ Images of the many church visits with his family flashed through his mind. Words like _sin_ and _abomination_ screamed at him in his head. _This is shameful, I’m shameful. This is wrong, and I am going to hell for this. I can’t tell anyone. I won’t tell anyone. I don’t deserve to live, I’m abnormal. I'm going to burn for this._

Niall Lynch was murdered shortly after Ronan came to terms with his sexuality, and Ronan lost every bit of positive emotion he had inside of him. All that was left of his emotions, it seemed, was anger. Anger at himself for not getting outside sooner to save his father. _I’m being punished because I’m an abomination. God is taking everything from me because I’m a sinner._ Anger at Declan for honoring the last will of their father, making the Lynch brothers homeless, and their mother confined within their home, in eternal sleep. _Mom is nothing without Dad._ Anger at Gansey, putting all of the blame on him, for making Ronan a sinner. He wasn't angry enough to reject Gansey’s proposition of moving into Monmouth, though. Ronan would _not_ live in the Aglionby dorms, where Declan was. 

Ronan had now become an empty shell of his former self, who now only knew rage and poison-laced words. _Fuck everything. Fuck living. Fuck you, Declan, for saying we can never go back home. Fuck Aglionby. Fuck you, Gansey, and your bullshit quest. Fuck you, Gansey, for making me attracted to men. Fuck all of that, fuck being attracted to anyone now, just fuck everyone in general._

Ronan couldn’t hate Gansey however, he knew that much. Gansey was his best friend, after all, his _only_ friend. Ronan decided that he would not think about anything he was feeling, or at least try to. Everything was going to be Glendower now, it was the perfect distraction. Just Ronan Lynch and Richard Gansey III, searching for Welsh kings, the dynamic duo. Until the day Adam Parrish came into the picture. 

Ronan figured Adam would think Gansey was crazy after hearing the Glendower story, and if that didn’t drive the boy away, Ronan knew how he would get rid of him. He’d done it with so many others since that day he decided to dedicate himself fully to Gansey's quest. He didn't need anyone else coming in the way of that. Turns out, it was harder to get rid of Adam Parrish than Ronan thought, since the runt kept showing up. No matter what Ronan said or did, Adam Parrish was not budging, wasn't showing any signs that he had enough of Ronan's shit.

Ronan was sure he was now living in an endless dream, that he was forever asleep like his mother, since he _never_ expected to find himself hanging out with anyone else that wasn’t Gansey, and so easily too. _Especially_ someone like Adam Parrish. Ronan found himself growing more and more curious about Adam, even amused, _interested._

He’d study Adam’s face as the other would talk, would catch the Henrietta accent slip from his lips every now and then, revealing the truth of Adam's upbringing. It was nice to hear, though. Ronan would find himself studying parts of Adam’s body, like his hands that were rough from working on cars, the dusty color of his hair, his lanky physique. Ronan soon grew quite angry with Adam, because Adam was making him have _those_ thoughts again, after he had successfully buried those kind of feelings deep within himself, figuring he'd finally lost them after Niall's death. _Sinner. Shameful. Abomination. Creature. What the fuck am I really?,_ Ronan thought.

Ronan had been spending even more time in the dream forest, and soon found that he could bring things _out_ of his dreams. It started with the flowers, which was pure luck. Then it was other things, impossible things, experiments to see how far he could go with what he could bring out. _Just like Dad._

Then the dreams involving Adam started, but unlike with Gansey, the dreams with Adam were much more frequent. _Adam_ being the one to say things to him in Latin, _Adam_ doing things to him that made Ronan feel so _alive_ , and so _hungry_ , filled him with _need_ , as well as extreme shame. The nightmares started soon after that, since Ronan drowned out his dreams with Adam by reminding himself of the _shame_. Things would attack him in his dreams then, kill him, hurt him in every way. 

He’d dream of Matthew dying, of Adam dying, of Gansey dying, of his father dying and Ronan himself the one holding the tire iron that did the deed. One particular nightmare was so bad, that the creatures now plaguing him in his dreams, these night terrors that he fought so often, caused Ronan to wake up with his arms completely torn up. As he watched his own blood drip onto the ground below him, felt the pain begin to grow strong enough that Ronan almost couldn't bear it, Noah had found him. He was unaware of a second person that had seen what happened, off in the distance. Ronan let Gansey believe he had tried to kill himself, and went along with the hospital visits, all of the counseling, every bullshit thing to keep up the facade of the boy that turned suicidal because of the torment and trauma of seeing his own father’s murder. It was better than telling the truth, so Ronan just didn’t say anything.

Ronan needed a distraction from everything, since nothing seemed to be working so far. That distraction came in the form of street racing, and in the manifestation of one Joseph Kavinsky. He knew Kavinsky was a _real_ asshole, and also a heavy drug user. Not someone Ronan particularly wanted to associate with. Kavinsky was always up for a street race though, and Ronan was happy to oblige him. Street racing became Ronan’s go-to activity when he wanted to forget his homesickness, forget what he really was, forget what he really _wanted_. He had Kavinsky to thank for all of it. He had Kavinsky to thank for many things, including making him feel joy for something again, even if that something was very illegal. Ronan found himself going to Kavinsky’s parties after some time, watching the cars go up in flames, and crash into each other. It was the best kind of thrill, watching all of this happen, and it served as a successful distraction. Ronan no longer thought about anything other than the next street race. 

When Adam and Blue became a “thing”, and Ronan got over his initial jealousy, along with every negative thought he had about Blue, he came to accept that Adam would never want a _creature_ like him, and it was pointless to keep having feelings for him. So, Ronan's attention turned to Kavinsky. Kavinsky seemed interested, possibly, or that could’ve just been Ronan's misunderstanding, his _hope_. Ronan Lynch _had_ to forget all about Adam Parrish, and it looked like Joseph Kavinsky would be the perfect replacement.

It didn’t quell Ronan's anger, however. Ronan would _still_ think of Adam, and immediately try to replace Adam’s face with Kavinsky’s, but that never worked. _I don’t know what the fuck I want anymore._ Ronan still preferred the times he could spend with Adam Parrish, even if they weren’t alone, over spending time with Kavinsky. 

It was seeing Adam’s smile, Adam’s happiness, and the feelings for him that Ronan couldn’t ever deny or get rid of, that drove him to showing up at St. Agnes that day, having read the Aglionby letter sent to him and Gansey, having realized that Adam would also see that letter, and he thought of Adam struggling to maintain his education because of the tuition hike, now combined with the added baggage of his sacrifice to Cabeswater. It was easy to get Ramirez to tell his lie for him, since money spoke for many things. Money wouldn’t speak for Ronan, money was Gansey’s thing, in Adam’s eyes. So Ronan was just fine with Adam not knowing of what he had done, and thinking Gansey had done it. Adam didn’t seem to pay much thought to Ronan anyways, and in a twisted way, Ronan was just fine with that as well.

His shame over what his feelings were leading him to do for Adam, how much Adam had truly affected him, brought about that nightmare, of Adam becoming a night terror, of Adam dying while he tried to save him. _I can never save him. He made the sacrifice without me, and he fell in love with someone else. It’s better this way, I’ll just drag him to hell with me. I’m not the one he’s going look at like that, no matter how badly I want him to._

When Ronan and Gansey successfully killed the night terror brought to life, and Ronan had finally told him the truth about the “suicide attempt”, Ronan knew what had to be done. They needed to go back to the Barns, so Ronan could find answers. Ronan wished he would’ve thought of it sooner, so Gansey would be convinced to let him go back, against the will of his deceased father.

The trip to the Barns was relieving, and painful. Ronan was glad to be home, but there were many secrets he had yet to learn. How much of his life was real, and how much of it was dream things? The animals he grew up with, his memories, were they all just dreams? These things filled him with rage, so much rage that he had to throw things, which he did. He didn't want to face the truth of his upbringing. Watching the truth smack him in the face, as he looks at his sleeping mother, who was yet another dream thing conjured up by Niall Lynch.

When Gansey and Adam left for D.C., Ronan needed to be free of all thoughts, from the fact that he felt lonely, having never been without the company of anyone for very long. He needed to test the Pig out in a street race, he decided. He always wanted to do that, but Gansey wasn't giving in. He was determined to show Kavinsky that he could beat him, no matter what. Then the street race happened, and when Kavinsky shot by him, throwing Ronan's concentration right off, Ronan lost control of his own thoughts. _That car shouldn’t be going that fast._ Ronan’s attention was brought back by the attack of the night terror, and then the subsequent crash of the Pig. 

Gansey’s beloved Camaro, wrecked. _He’s going to fucking kill me. He’s going to throw me out of Monmouth. He’ll burn my things. He’ll say things to me that I actually, really fucking deserve, but I don’t want that. I need Gansey, without Gansey I have no one, since Parrish doesn't want anything to do with me. I’m not worthy of anything, but Gansey still wants me around. Gansey will finally give up on me, and I’ll be alone. All alone. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking shit damn._ Ronan was panicked, something he hadn't felt since seeing his father's dead body. 

Even though Kavinsky was driving him to wherever, Ronan was still panicked. What was this Bulgarian shithead talking about? The Pig couldn’t be replaced, just like that! Suddenly, as they reached their destination, Ronan saw a white Mitsubishi. Then he saw _another_ white Mitsubishi, and even _more_ white Mitsubishis. It all started to come together in Ronan's head. The leather straps. The fake I.D.s. The forgeries. _You have got to be shitting me,_ he thought. Kavinsky was a Greywaren, just like him. When Kavinsky offered to teach him how to use his Greywaren powers more effectively, Ronan was more than willing to accept the offer. _I won’t have to think about Gansey or Adam for awhile. I can get better at this whole dream thing. I can also finally determine whether or not it’s going to be Kavinsky, or Adam._

Ronan spent many days dreaming with Kavinsky, but never revealing that he was just using the druggie for his teachings, and then he’d be long gone. When Ronan finally managed to dream up the Pig into life, a perfect copy of it, he was ecstatic. He had done it, and Gansey needed to see it right away. Ronan hadn't felt excitement like this in forever, and he knew he wouldn’t lose Gansey’s friendship now, along with the brotherhood they shared. He was so beyond relieved, and he didn't care that Kavinsky was pissed at him for choosing Gansey over him. Ronan needed to be _gone_ , so that's what he did.

Meeting his father in a dream had to be one of the hardest things Ronan had to do. He had so many questions for his father, he wanted to be pissed at his father for dying on him, of leaving him all alone with no chance of returning back to the Barns. He wanted to tell his father everything, tell him how much of an awful thing he was. He even wanted to be out with his homosexual feelings, just so he could admit to it out loud. When he saw Niall again, he found he couldn’t say anything he planned on saying. All he could think of was home, so Niall gave him the answer he was looking for. Ronan just had to dream up a revised copy of Niall's will, and so he did. Ronan Lynch could finally go home again, back to the Barns, back where he left a majority of his happiness.

Ronan became so overwhelmed by everything that had happened so far. All of the dreams, the night terrors, crashing the Pig, spending time with Kavinsky and learning the tricks of dealing with Cabeswater, his curiosity with wanting to know if Kavinsky would want to be with him if he said something, then he remembered how Kavinsky shit talked Gansey, which pissed him off. When he then received that phone call, telling him that Matthew had been kidnapped, by Kavinsky of all people. Ronan knew right then, became instantly aware, that it was never, _ever_ going to be him and Kavinsky. 

Ronan was certain he would kill Kavinsky, for kidnapping Matthew, until he saw Kavinsky in that one dream. In Cabeswater, the place where it all began. He had no feelings for Kavinsky any longer, other than his feelings of hate for what Kavinsky did to Matthew, but he just wanted everything to stop. Kavinsky would just destroy everything, and it would be Ronan’s fault. When Kavinsky offered to stay in Cabeswater with Ronan, Ronan already knew then, that it wasn’t enough. “Don’t say Dick Gansey, man. Do not say it. He is never going to be with you.” Ronan already knew this, but Kavinsky had the wrong idea completely. “That’s not what Gansey is to me”. It was the truth, that's what Ronan knew all along. _Not anymore, it was never going to be Gansey in the first place. It has, and will always be, Adam. It won't be anyone else but him._

When Kavinsky drained Cabeswater of it’s energy, Ronan thought he’d be stuck there forever. When he saw Adam again, he was sure he was still dreaming, his mind tormenting him, expecting that Adam would turn into another night terror, which filled Ronan with fear. Adam was actually there, though, but he shouldn’t have been. _How is he here? He’s not a dream, he’s actually here, but this isn’t right. Get out of here, Parrish! I’m trying to save you, again._ “I know it was you. I figured it out. The rent.” Adam was staring at him, and Ronan wanted to say so much. _Of course it was me, dumbass. I’m the one that cares so much about you, and you won’t fucking accept that. You’ll never accept me. You're not going to feel this way for me, not as long as I live. Fuck, he knows though, I fucked up and now he knows._

Ronan Lynch’s reality burned into his skull, along with Kavinsky, as the fellow “thief” went up in flames, and died before his eyes. _Two deaths. I've seen two people die in front of me now._ Cabeswater had been re-awakened, and Ronan knew he’d never be able to escape from it. He was the Greywaren, and Cabeswater wanted the Greywaren the most. Cabeswater would create impossible things for him, things that he brought with him, and things that rebelled against him and attacked him. It would continue to do so. Cabeswater knew Kavinsky was a “fake”, and it had killed him for that. He knew what his reality was, as he brought his mother to Cabeswater, and she awoke once more. He knew what his reality was, as he looked at Adam within Cabeswater, as Adam showed them the cavern that had manifested in place of the lake.

_I am Ronan Lynch. I am the son of a dream, and son of a dreamer. I am the brother of a liar, and brother of an angel. I am the Greywaren, and Cabeswater wants me the most. Cabeswater has always wanted me the most, and Adam has sacrificed himself to it, when it should just be me that is sacrificed. I am the sinner, the abomination, yet I still don’t know exactly what all of this really means. I have many secrets. Adam Parrish is the second of them, and will always be my second secret._

_Gansey, Parrish, Noah, Blue. I can sense that my time is limited, since I am an impossible thing born from an impossible dream. Please don’t be sad when it’s time for me to go, because I have accepted that I'll have to go soon. Gansey, you might just have to find Glendower without me, so make sure Parrish stays safe. Parrish, no, Adam, I hope I can find a way of telling you my second secret before it’s time for me to leave this place, because it’d be pretty shitty to vanish without at least giving you that much. I will miss you so much, but you’re going to be just fine. You will all be fine without me, so keep living._


End file.
